Anger is considered a negative emotion. But when channelized
for a higher or greater cause, anger can be used for transformation. However,
most often, anger is counterproductive and self-destructive. We need to learn anger management as it often lands us in trouble. Though anger can be used ethically also, but most people regard it as insulting and negative for us.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. Buddha (563 BC-483 BC) Founder of Buddhism.
The following are snatches of a conversation between an
anger patient “Chris” and an anger-management therapist:
Chris: Doctor, I cannot
control my anger.
Therapist: Okay…. Can you
please elaborate?
Chris: Small things
irritate me, and then I explode. I cannot control myself and I become abusive.
Therapist: Okay… so,
little things irritate you. They pile up and then you burst out.
Chris: Yes.
Therapist: What do you do
when little things irritate you?
Chris: I can’t do
anything!
Therapist: Can you give me
an example when an outburst occurred recently?
Chris: For example, last Sunday
I took my daughter for an outing. I was anyway irritated because of the office
work. My daughter started being very stubborn- she wanted a very expensive
doll. I suddenly lost temper and thrashed her, said thing I shouldn’t have
said. I feel very ashamed of myself.
Therapist: I see… what
happened in office?
Chris: They are just small
regular things… I was irritated by my team as I had told them to do something,
explained it to them… they said they understood but produced something
absolutely crappy.
Chris: They said they had
understood and yet did not deliver….
Therapist: So,
if they don’t deliver, what happens?
Chris: It’s not about the
delivery of the product. It’s their attitude which irritates me.
Therapist: What about the
attitude?
Chris: That they take
their work for granted. They do not function maturely….
Therapist: So, you don’t
share a similar attitude towards work, and let’s assume they behave immaturely.
What about it irritates you?
Chris: I feel taken for
granted. I feel helpless.
Therapist: What did you
do?
Chris: I shouted at them
and made sure that they corrected the mistakes.
Therapist: So, the
shouting reduces your irritation?
Chris: Well, not really. I
just pushed my irritation aside for the time being to make sure that the work
was done. But I was still very irritated. So, when my daughter was being
stubborn I snapped…
Therapist: What happened
when your daughter was being stubborn?
Chris: I just felt so
taken for granted and just didn’t know what to do….
Anger can be of various types.
Here are some that may resonate with you.
1.
Anger as a coping strategy:
Here, the client finds it difficult to cope
with situation, he feels helpless and this triggers his anger. If he acknowledges
his helplessness at the onset of an outburst, he can devise an effective
strategy to deal with the situation. What the client thought of as small
incidents in office were actually triggers for his anger. If he had dealt with
the situation at the time he had experienced it, he may have been more
successful at preventing the outburst later.
Solution: When you feel
helpless, don’t be ashamed of the feeling. Acknowledge it and then find a
strategy to deal with the situation that is making you helpless. In the
client’s case, it might be that he needs to communicate more effectively, or
when he delegates, he needs assess the work progress more closely. When you
plan your strategy, you also think of negative strategies. A strategy might not
give an instant solution. It is important to stay focused on the solution.
2. Anger as a grudge: When
we hold on to anger towards a person or a situation long after the event has
happened.
For example; “I can never forgive my sister in law for what
she did to me immediately after I got married.” It may not matter that the
person has minimal contact with his sister in law now. This grudge creates
bitterness within and hampers one’s ability to enjoy life fully. We feel right
and justifies in holding on to this kind of anger even though we may be the
only ones who are affected by it.
Solution: Is it to forgive
the person and let go of the internal pain. Often we say, “I can’t forgive”, we
actually mean to say, “I won’t forgive”. We can always choose to forgive and
let go. It might take some time.
3. Anger to defend ourselves:
When we feel personally attacked we respond aggressively. ‘I am being attacked’
is often a perception than a reality. A lot of times, criticism or other’s
behavior makes us feel vulnerable, and we use anger to deal with it.
Solution: Acknowledge your
vulnerability. Understand the things in your environment which are making you
feel attacked or intimidated. You make a list to identify in real time, and
find another strategy to deal with the situation. Detach your self-worth from “other’s
response”. Try to accept people’s behavior as their problem.
Anger is only an emotion. Though on one hand it can lead
people to do shocking things, actually it is an indication that something is bothering
us. If we can go beyond this emotion and try to find a solution to either
change or effectively deal with the situation, we would have used it
constructively. Ultimately, it is our choice how we use and deal with it. We need anger as a tool to cope with the situation and not that of a hazard. Anger-management is what we chiefly nee in our real live.
All that RAGE: Anger and Anger Management
Anger is considered a negative emotion. But when channelized
for a higher or greater cause, anger can be used for transformation. However,
most often, anger is counterproductive and self-destructive. We need to learn anger management as it often lands us in trouble. Though anger can be used ethically also, but most people regard it as insulting and negative for us.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. Buddha (563 BC-483 BC) Founder of Buddhism.
The following are snatches of a conversation between an
anger patient “Chris” and an anger-management therapist:
Chris: Doctor, I cannot
control my anger.
Therapist: Okay…. Can you
please elaborate?
Chris: Small things
irritate me, and then I explode. I cannot control myself and I become abusive.
Therapist: Okay… so,
little things irritate you. They pile up and then you burst out.
Chris: Yes.
Therapist: What do you do
when little things irritate you?
Chris: I can’t do
anything!
Therapist: Can you give me
an example when an outburst occurred recently?
Chris: For example, last Sunday
I took my daughter for an outing. I was anyway irritated because of the office
work. My daughter started being very stubborn- she wanted a very expensive
doll. I suddenly lost temper and thrashed her, said thing I shouldn’t have
said. I feel very ashamed of myself.
Therapist: I see… what
happened in office?
Chris: They are just small
regular things… I was irritated by my team as I had told them to do something,
explained it to them… they said they understood but produced something
absolutely crappy.
Chris: They said they had
understood and yet did not deliver….
Therapist: So,
if they don’t deliver, what happens?
Chris: It’s not about the
delivery of the product. It’s their attitude which irritates me.
Therapist: What about the
attitude?
Chris: That they take
their work for granted. They do not function maturely….
Therapist: So, you don’t
share a similar attitude towards work, and let’s assume they behave immaturely.
What about it irritates you?
Chris: I feel taken for
granted. I feel helpless.
Therapist: What did you
do?
Chris: I shouted at them
and made sure that they corrected the mistakes.
Therapist: So, the
shouting reduces your irritation?
Chris: Well, not really. I
just pushed my irritation aside for the time being to make sure that the work
was done. But I was still very irritated. So, when my daughter was being
stubborn I snapped…
Therapist: What happened
when your daughter was being stubborn?
Chris: I just felt so
taken for granted and just didn’t know what to do….
Anger can be of various types.
Here are some that may resonate with you.
1.
Anger as a coping strategy:
Here, the client finds it difficult to cope
with situation, he feels helpless and this triggers his anger. If he acknowledges
his helplessness at the onset of an outburst, he can devise an effective
strategy to deal with the situation. What the client thought of as small
incidents in office were actually triggers for his anger. If he had dealt with
the situation at the time he had experienced it, he may have been more
successful at preventing the outburst later.
Solution: When you feel
helpless, don’t be ashamed of the feeling. Acknowledge it and then find a
strategy to deal with the situation that is making you helpless. In the
client’s case, it might be that he needs to communicate more effectively, or
when he delegates, he needs assess the work progress more closely. When you
plan your strategy, you also think of negative strategies. A strategy might not
give an instant solution. It is important to stay focused on the solution.
2. Anger as a grudge: When
we hold on to anger towards a person or a situation long after the event has
happened.
For example; “I can never forgive my sister in law for what
she did to me immediately after I got married.” It may not matter that the
person has minimal contact with his sister in law now. This grudge creates
bitterness within and hampers one’s ability to enjoy life fully. We feel right
and justifies in holding on to this kind of anger even though we may be the
only ones who are affected by it.
Solution: Is it to forgive
the person and let go of the internal pain. Often we say, “I can’t forgive”, we
actually mean to say, “I won’t forgive”. We can always choose to forgive and
let go. It might take some time.
3. Anger to defend ourselves:
When we feel personally attacked we respond aggressively. ‘I am being attacked’
is often a perception than a reality. A lot of times, criticism or other’s
behavior makes us feel vulnerable, and we use anger to deal with it.
Solution: Acknowledge your
vulnerability. Understand the things in your environment which are making you
feel attacked or intimidated. You make a list to identify in real time, and
find another strategy to deal with the situation. Detach your self-worth from “other’s
response”. Try to accept people’s behavior as their problem.
Anger is only an emotion. Though on one hand it can lead
people to do shocking things, actually it is an indication that something is bothering
us. If we can go beyond this emotion and try to find a solution to either
change or effectively deal with the situation, we would have used it
constructively. Ultimately, it is our choice how we use and deal with it. We need anger as a tool to cope with the situation and not that of a hazard. Anger-management is what we chiefly nee in our real live.
